I keep trying to approach this peice. Not sure if previous version was holding a center. I was interested in the language of the beginning, but it may be of a different poem.
Stirred up
We the jalopies
playing on the driveway
flirting with the dart board foraging
the red dot, unlikely
given a melodious limp wrist
(the handbrake)
and mode of transport:
synchronicity, wild flowers,
first sighting of a minnow trap
... slowly recovering
its genus from a less than
steel-trap headwhirl
where minnows were
erroneous birds
thrashing about their wings
inside mason jars.
I love the energy of the original. It's knotty & muscular without being aggressive. Open ended as well: gives me room to breathe & expand within its confines. Perfection is not in the object but in the connexions it makes.
ResponderBorrarA very large elephant hawk moth has just landed on the computer screen. A blessing.
Thanks.
Shall I leave my own comment to your comment? I suppose I will. Who knows if you will be here again.
ResponderBorrarI hear you! I too love the poem's knots, but I was still unsatisfied with its energy as a whole.
I think the revision is not a revision of the whole poem, but an attempt to figure out that section. I think I grasped onto the narrative portion as the easiest way to "figure out" what is happening. However, that strategy isn't all I am interested in. In fact, I tend to feel trapped by narratives too, and the existing revision--or portion of revision--takes me/the reader on this social narrative ride.
Thanks for comments
I'm still hear.
ResponderBorrarYour wrestlings are your own.
I'm just grateful that you bother.
Thinking about Silliman's blog, I suppose I would rename the "narrative" I referred to in my comments as plot. I feel trapped by the "plot" in peice as it is.
ResponderBorrarIt was Rauschenberg who said "Narrative is the sex of picture making."
Is plot the sex of poem making?
Probably. Over quite soon after which you'd better find something deeper or depression quickly sets in. I guess the sex/plot should take you deeper itself. And one should have inklings of those depths before engaging in the first place? But some people like shallow. I'm always disappointed when I suss the plot. I like the swimmy space of not knowing, it vibrates with more possibilites. Negative capability? Like sex in the morning without the climax - the whole day is then potent with it.
ResponderBorrar